Feb 13, 2014
The Raver Olympics
This is it, everyone. The absolute highest of high-ranking ravers from across the globe have gathered for what will surely be the dumbest thing they do in public all year. We’ve come today to witness what the world’s best party people compete for the right to call themselves and their teams the fastest, the strongest, the savviest, and the bravest through 11 punishing events including the grueling triathlon finale. The action doesn’t get much dirtier than this, folks. Welcome to the Raver Olympics.
Mud Puddle Skating
A distance-based contest of sliding across a large muddy puddle at full sprint. Must remain standing when slowing to a stop.
Synchronized Gloving
Points are given to teams for creativity, execution, and difficulty. Drugging the judges is considered use of performance-enhancing substances and will result in disqualification.
Sick Friend Curling
“Look out, move, excuse us, coming through… seriously, she’s gonna puke."
Bring a friend who’s on the verge of vomiting from the front row to the bathrooms before he or she spews. Teams bring their own ill to allow for training in gag suppression and hardening of stamina and willpower.
Big Girl Shoulder Lift
Hoist women of increasing weight onto the shoulders and raise to a locked position, remaining stable for 10 seconds while she does a little fist-pumping.
Port-A-Potty Marathon
Two-part event, no running required. Contestants drink a one-gallon jug of water and wait through the longest Port-A-Potty line they can find. Judges will check for leaks before entering. Then, just sit in that dirty f*cking thing for as long as you can without getting sick or tipped over for taking too long and making everyone wait. Judges check contestants again upon completion for signs of failure. Combine times for final score.

BONUS POINTS: While inside, call your job and convince your boss that you’re actually sick in bed and can’t make it to work tomorrow.
Crowd Rafting
Each team must dive from the stage onto an inflatable raft and row their way to the edge, making it safely on the ground before the other teams. Try not to paddle anyone in the face while you’re at it.
Aoki High Jump
Score is a combination of proper form and height cleared.
Lose-The-Creep Sprint
When the music stops, tell that double-bagger you’ve been dancing with to get lost, and get lost yourself, ASAP. First man or woman to successfully shake their obsessive pursuer off their trail wins–may require changing the cell phone number you regrettably gave out.
Find-Your-Friends-At-The-End Triathlon: Leg 1
Swim against the crowd back to all stages and search for limp bodies, check all faces for familiar ones.
Find-Your-Friends-At-The-End Triathlon: Leg 2
Run over to artist tent and inquire there, because you and your friends are total groupies.
Find-Your-Friends-At-The-End Triathlon: Leg 3
Convince hospitality to give you a golf cart ride to the finish line (your car). If denied, “borrowing" one from them is allowed.
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