Everyone’s got that one friend who scoffs at your library, despises anything remotely commercial, and never listens to anything someone else might recognize. Don’t bother trying to join them at their events, either–you’re already uninvited for asking.
Don’t take it personally. They’re suffering from the side-effects of a condition known as underground decompression. As is the case with normal decompression sickness, or “the bends,” the issue arises from the fact that their world is so much heavier and more dense than ours is at the surface, that even the slightest exposure can cause them to enter fits of condescending preachery and an all-around holier-than-thou attitude.
Let’s have some fun with these uptight, miserly music types, shall we?
He’s so underground that if he owns a copy, they’re already sellouts.
He’s so underground, he only listens to unfinished tracks he made himself.
She’s so underground, she plays in mono, because stereo is so surface.
He’s so underground, if he tells you what he’s listening to, he’d have to kill you… and throw it away.
She’s so underground, she only listens to C-sides.
He’s so underground, nobody’s invited to his sets–except mom. It’s her basement.
She’s so underground, she won’t play any club that has a dress code… or a bar, or a name, or a building.
He’s so underground he’ll only use social media to criticize social media.
He’s so underground he holds his Ibiza residency in a small wooden hut hidden in the hills… in February.
He’s so underground he puts a fake address on his event flyers.
She’s so underground, her newest production is just an organic, “free-range” kick drum and nothing else.
He’s so underground, he only plays Hardwell–because no one else in the underground does that.
He’s so underground that he’s homeless–because having income would make him a sellout.
He’s so underground, he plays nothing but remixes of “Happy Birthday” in Japanese.
He’s so underground he sends out a Tweet to not call his underground stage “underground.” It’s “alternative,” goddamnit.
Please stop using the word “underground” to refer to our Resistance stage.— Ultra Music Festival (@ultra) February 4, 2015
He’s so underground, he only reads his own blog, then flames it cause he’s already heard all the tunes.
He’s so underground that he does this one thing, but you probably wouldn’t get it.