Welcome to the wacky world of wide-eyed party people. I’m your host, Jesse Champagne, and today we’ll be embarking on a self-guided safari of the EDM scene.
BONUS: Take this list and try capturing photographic evidence of each at your next festie. Use the points corresponding to each species and the scoring chart at the bottom to determine your expertise of the raver kingdom.
1. The douche (1 pt)
Sup, brah? Jägerbomb? Molly? Dude, where’s the drop?
My eyes are starting to bleed from too much neon. “Everywhere” isn’t even strong enough a term to describe this species, so if you can’t capture this one, quit now.
2. The kandi kid (1 pt)
At this point, it’s beginning to get a little excessive. Can we set a 10-bracelet maximum? You can generally hear these coming as early as you can feel the glare of their blinding colors.
3. The clothing-averse girl (2 pt)
“Stop staring at me (please look at me)”
This subspecies of the female “attention craver” can be spotted by exploring deep within the center of a large crowd of juice monkeys or douches, especially if camera flashes are going off in the area. Quick reminder, ladies: once it’s on the internet it never truly goes away. Goodbye, future job prospects!
4. The juice monkey (2 pts)
Way Too Sexy For Their Shirts
A close cousin of the douche, juice monkeys can be seen flexing their upper body muscles and rarely moving their legs. They’re frequently seen at events stomping their feet out of sync to the beat–one (1) bonus point if they have their thumbs tucked into the straps of a tiny drawstring backpack in the shot.
5. The bad dancer (2 pts)
Well, they’re everywhere, so… yeah. No huge points here. They might like to try a few moves out in their home before they wind up on YouTube–see #3.
6. The spirit hood (2 pts)
I’ll be honest, I still don’t really get this one. Is your spirit animal a developmentally challenged 7-year-old? Come on. Even your inner child thinks that’s stupid. Aren’t you people boiling? Either way, you look ridiculous. Not too hard to find, since they wave their furry arms around like we’re supposed to be impressed with what looks like a homemade Halloween costume for a girl.
7. Psychonauts (3 pts)
You all know who you are. Understand your limits and please be responsible. Also, mayyyyyybe don’t advertise it on your back with giant letters. Just a thought. The way to locate one of these? Why, go around claiming to have free drugs, of course, and get your camera ready–they move fast.
8. The experienced raver (4 pts)
“No, seriously, these are just my normal, everyday pills”
Because you’re never too old to throw it down to brostep. A bit rarer than younger species, the experienced ravers can be found away from the crowds protecting their artificial hip and securing an easy exit around 9:30 p.m.
9. Wheelchair Raver (5 pts)
These guys are just f*cking awesome… ’nuff said.