Jul 09, 2014
15 Must-Have DJ-Endorsed Products

Speakers, headphones, vape pens, condoms–nothing is safe from becoming a tool of the music marketing machine.

You want our advice (although we strongly advise you don’t take it)? If you’re still toying around with clothing and such, join the big leagues, and put your name and face on something with flair, like, say, road flares! GTA, we’re lookin’ at you. Here are 15 more goods and services that are DJ-certified.

1. FLOSSTRADAMUS HEMP FLOSS

flosstradamus-hemp-floss

“Hey, you’ve got some weed in your teeth. Get it out with some more weed. Wait, what are we selling again?”

2. DATSIK COLD AND FLU

datsik-cold-flu

DO NOT CONSUME ALCOHOL WITH THIS PRODUCT. Trust us, we tried… just now. So, just take a few spoonfuls, or fill up a big ol’ glass. Either way you’ll be turnt up plenty good ’nuff to fight off dat nasty… zzz….

3. MAT ZO’S MATZOH

mat-zo-matzo

… zzz… zzz… hehe… you’d better watch out, scuba elephant… I tricked you… I can swim… AHEM! Oh, that’s right, endorsements! Umm, here’s some Matzoh, and it says “Mat Zo,” ya know? Since they sound alike? And since he’s Jewish, of course.

4. LAIDBACK LUKE’S RECLINERS

laidback-luke-recliners

With the new baby and all, this guy must be pretty tuckered out.

5. FATBOY SLIM DIET PILLS

fatboy-slim-diet-pills

Even better than the sugar-free Red Bull and dancing diet!

6. ABOVE & BEYOND AIRLINES

above-and-beyond-airlines

The only question at security is: “What does TATW stand for?” If your answer is anything along the lines of “tits, ass, twerking, and weed,” you’re not getting on.

7. BINGO PLAYERS RETIREMENT HOME

bingo-players-retirement-home

If you yell out “Bingo,” you’d better be right. Or we’re gonna Knock You Out. Just kidding; you’re too old. We’ll just slip you some Datsik Cold & Flu. That’ll stop you “crying bingo.”


8. CASH CASH MONEY LAUNDERING

cash-cash-money-laundering

Sitting on some dirty loot? Off that sh*t, and make the check out to cash–Cash Cash.

9. TOMMY TRASH DISPOSAL

tommy-trash-disposal

Will also dispose of Tommy if he’s still passed out on your floor the next day.

10. ZEDS DEAD FUNERAL HOME

zeds-dead-funeral-home

“They’re all dead, baby. They’re all dead.”

11. CHROMEO’S CUSTOM RIMS

chromeo-custom-rims

*Special discounts for white women*

12. J.PHLIP GYMNASTICS SCHOOL

jphlip-gymnastics

Because seeing Claude VonStroke and Justin Martin flip over anything other than a vinyl record would be totally worth it.

13. KILL THE NOISE-CANCELLING HEADPHONES

kill-the-noise-cacnelling-headphones

The only way to truly shut that baby up without ending up on the no-fly list… and in Hell.

14. JOHN DIGWEED GARDENING

john-digweed-gardening

Digging through the weeds and leaving your soundscape with nothing but prime specimens for over 30 years.

15. DASH BERLIN’S GUIDE TO RUNNING IN GERMANY

dash-berlin-germany-running-guide

OK, now this is getting ridiculous… pass the Datsik Cold & Flu.

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