Speakers, headphones, vape pens, condoms–nothing is safe from becoming a tool of the music marketing machine.
You want our advice (although we strongly advise you don’t take it)? If you’re still toying around with clothing and such, join the big leagues, and put your name and face on something with flair, like, say, road flares! GTA, we’re lookin’ at you. Here are 15 more goods and services that are DJ-certified.
1. FLOSSTRADAMUS HEMP FLOSS
“Hey, you’ve got some weed in your teeth. Get it out with some more weed. Wait, what are we selling again?”
2. DATSIK COLD AND FLU
DO NOT CONSUME ALCOHOL WITH THIS PRODUCT. Trust us, we tried… just now. So, just take a few spoonfuls, or fill up a big ol’ glass. Either way you’ll be turnt up plenty good ’nuff to fight off dat nasty… zzz….
3. MAT ZO’S MATZOH
… zzz… zzz… hehe… you’d better watch out, scuba elephant… I tricked you… I can swim… AHEM! Oh, that’s right, endorsements! Umm, here’s some Matzoh, and it says “Mat Zo,” ya know? Since they sound alike? And since he’s Jewish, of course.
4. LAIDBACK LUKE’S RECLINERS
With the new baby and all, this guy must be pretty tuckered out.
5. FATBOY SLIM DIET PILLS
Even better than the sugar-free Red Bull and dancing diet!
6. ABOVE & BEYOND AIRLINES
The only question at security is: “What does TATW stand for?” If your answer is anything along the lines of “tits, ass, twerking, and weed,” you’re not getting on.
7. BINGO PLAYERS RETIREMENT HOME
If you yell out “Bingo,” you’d better be right. Or we’re gonna Knock You Out. Just kidding; you’re too old. We’ll just slip you some Datsik Cold & Flu. That’ll stop you “crying bingo.”
8. CASH CASH MONEY LAUNDERING
Sitting on some dirty loot? Off that sh*t, and make the check out to cash–Cash Cash.
9. TOMMY TRASH DISPOSAL
Will also dispose of Tommy if he’s still passed out on your floor the next day.
10. ZEDS DEAD FUNERAL HOME
“They’re all dead, baby. They’re all dead.”
11. CHROMEO’S CUSTOM RIMS
*Special discounts for white women*
12. J.PHLIP GYMNASTICS SCHOOL
13. KILL THE NOISE-CANCELLING HEADPHONES
The only way to truly shut that baby up without ending up on the no-fly list… and in Hell.
14. JOHN DIGWEED GARDENING
Digging through the weeds and leaving your soundscape with nothing but prime specimens for over 30 years.
15. DASH BERLIN’S GUIDE TO RUNNING IN GERMANY
OK, now this is getting ridiculous… pass the Datsik Cold & Flu.